Sainthood
by spheeris1
Summary: Title is a Tegan & Sara album :: Set within all three seasons :: Shifting POVs :: Little one-shots set to T&S songs... :: Fluff and angst and everything in-between :: Spashley, of course. And introspection, too. :: COMPLETED
1. Ashley

**Thanks to a small chat about music (specifically about Tegan & Sara) with jtsec9143, this idea has formed. Hope you enjoy.**

/ / /

[The Ocean]

Roll in. Roll out.

And it'll just drown out the things she'd rather not think about – like a father in the ground and a mother a million miles away and a sister left for broken and an education not cared for and a room unclean.

The surfers are running past, kicking up sand like they always do, and she wishes she could put sunglasses **over** her sunglasses.

They ride the waves and they look so fucking happy, on boards covered in wax and slip-sliding up above sting-rays and schools of silver-fins and she'd give anything to feel that free.

She'd give anything to rush out to the ocean and get covered in salt like others get baptized and find all the hours of her mistakes just washed away under Mother Nature's grace.

It would be nice to see the sun go down on a good day.

It would be nice to share it the very one she threw away.

It would be nice to shove off his hand on her shoulder and ignore his weak-willed eyes upon her face.

Roll in.

Roll out.

And it'll just carry her from this city, this beach, this world.

It'll just pull her out into somewhere new.

/ / /

[Sentimental Tune]

_Why the hell am I here again?_

The jocks are grinding away on girls and the lights spin and someone is sneaking alcohol into the punch and the cheer-bitches are making stand in their lip-gloss – they are all hips and quips and smirks.

And she doesn't want to be here at all.

_Isn't there some story in the Bible about a den of lions and some poor sap being tossed in there?_

But the flutter of fingertips, gossamer-soft against her palm, is a siren call she just can't sail away from. And she thinks that this girl named Spencer knows it… a hidden secret in those shy blue eyes that tugs sailors back to the shore.

_And what's with the old-time analogies, Davies? It's the year 2005. Get modern or die, girl._

This has all happened before though, a hundred times before – girls and boys and sex and dancing.

This has all happened before though, in every storybook romance – they stare at you and you find your heart beating too fast and then you are closer than ever and a kiss seems inevitable.

This has all happened before though, just not in her life – and Spencer is smiling like the night was made just for them.

And Ashley wants to believe it, too.

/ / /

[Red Belt]

Fear is a funny thing, but she's not laughing.

Oh, she should be, 'coz then it might make it all seem worthwhile and might make it all seem like a joke – a cosmic one, at that – but she is not laughing at all.

Her face is frozen in a freakish smile, like the damn Joker, and now she understands a guy like that – how emotions and ideas can drive one to the point of insanity and then you just snap from reality.

You break from what is normal and you can't seem to grasp the tangible anymore.

She's not laughing, but **god** she wishes she could.

And maybe that cold humor would coil out like snake and wrap around Spencer's waist and keep the girl there. And maybe that cold humor would flash its poisonous fangs and strike out and sink into this… _Carmen_… and kill her.

And then the laughter might become real again, not a mockery of joy trapped in this crowded club.

But they are walking away and Carmen is shooting her a look over Spencer's shoulder that screams '_**I win, bitch!**_' and Ashley sheds her false funny skin and falls apart.

/ / /

[Someday]

She wants to be better than before, and then, better still.

And there are other dreams stuck in-between the pages and pages of lyrics, things that no one knows about, and she'll keep them there until the right day comes.

But as she walks away from the stage, guitar slung on her back and faint applause still ringing in her ears, she feels good.

Not because she rocks, which she does.

Not because she is talented, which she is.

But she is alive in a way she didn't believe she'd ever be, the wounds mending and the past receding and that L.A. sun doesn't burn like it used to.

It feels nice on her exposed skin. It feels like someone created this moment just for her – and she'll fucking take it.

She wants to be better than before, and then… better still.

And there are other hopes that lurk in the tender places of her body, desires that have only been hinted at, and she won't reveal them until they are asked for.

But she is finally walking toward something and not running from everything and it feels good.

And she wants to grin wildly, so she does.

And she wants to laugh out loud, so she does.

And she wants this feeling to last forever.

Better and better and better, like an endless pint of ice cream or a never-ending song or Spencer's fingers always trailing up and down her spine, on and on and on... just like that.

And then, better still.

/ / /

**TBC**


	2. Spencer

[The Cure]

She knows what it will take, but when she tries to sleep and when she tries to dream… well, the doubts are as heavy as snow.

It covers her up in endless white and muffles the sound and makes her feel incredibly alone.

It reminds her of Ohio, a distant star that is now forever out of reach, simple and oppressive Ohio… and she knows when her eyes open, it will be L.A. again.

She just doesn't know if that is any better, though.

She knows what it will take, but when she tries to reach out and tries to give her all… well, what she is reaching for only seems to be further away than before.

It dances away so seductively, a mirage of chestnut hair and dark eyes and tan skin, dipping curves of a girl that she cannot save and cannot let go of… and she knows when she catches up to Ashley, it might not be as good as it seems.

She just doesn't know if that notion will ever stop her from trying, though.

She knows what it will take.

But she isn't sure she has enough (_love, willpower, strength, heart, soul, time, patience_) to make it to that other side – that place where Aiden isn't a distraction and sisters aren't trouble and families accept all things and girls that change your world become your world.

She knows what it will take.

But Spencer stays asleep a little longer today.

And she will wait.

And see.

/ / /

[Alligator]

On Ashley's face nothing is truly hidden, those masks that seemed like anguish and agony have fallen away – but it is not down to Ashley.

It is down to Spencer.

With tears and a funeral and three months of silence, she has become good at seeing past the façade of so many things… of so many people.

And what she once thought was a tortured soul wrapped up in a beautiful package is now just a girl with begging eyes and a bag full of regrets.

Spencer knows all about regret, though.

And she won't be sharing them with Ashley anymore.

She thought it would hurt more, but what could hurt more than what has already happened.

She feared the end – but the end came anyway.

And she feared starting over – but she has already begun again.

She thought walking away from Ashley Davies when the girl was floundering would kill her.

But it has only made her stronger.

/ / /

[On Directing]

_You think you look so bad, but you look perfect to me._

She's falling hard and she can't deny it, not with unsteady hands rubbing over a wasted back and a soft face in her lap and languid fingers holding onto her hips so shyly.

She's falling hard. Damn hard. **So** hard.

And it feels like everything she has ever wanted has finally come home – that puppy she had to have when she was six, that toy car that Glen smashed and her dad fixed, that pretty top that her mother hemmed and hawed about for days.

Christmas is in Ashley's bed, watching the girl sleep and Spencer is falling hard… smoothing away worry on a forehead with her eager touch, catching the sunlight as it coasts over tumbling brown hair.

She is falling and falling and falling.

But it feels like she is breaking the barrier of sound.

But it feels like she is soaring beyond the planets.

It feels like she is flying.

_You think you aren't easy to be with, but you are just right for me._

/ / /

[Don't Rush]

"_**How do you walk away from who you love?"**_

And she was prepared to flee, taxi to the plane, off to a new world – one without her parents and one without King High and one without teenage daydreaming.

It seemed so flawless in her mind.

But all things are flawless when you gloss over what you'd lose.

And maybe that is the bad habit she formed when Clay died. And maybe that is the plan of attack she formed when love died on the vine.

Maybe she has been walking away all this time, even when Ashley holds her at night and even when Ashley whispers about forever.

"_**How do you walk away from who you love?"**_

You do it in stages and you do it undercover and you get so far away that it seems like you did the right thing… even if it hurts you still, even if it kind of breaks your already shattered heart… even if you know you'll hate yourself one day for leaving…

And she was prepared to flee, taxi to the plane, off to a new world – one without Ashley Davies.

But Glen's rhetorical question burns in her head now.

It catches fire on all the tinder that she thought she had thrown out.

There she is, that girl who brought Spencer out of her shell and into the light, smiling like she finally knows how to and there is that kiss, the kiss that brought Spencer to her knees time and again – and it still does – and there it is, a promise and a key and a memory…

…and Spencer has the answer to Glen's query.

"_**You can't."**_

/ / /

**TBC**


	3. Different At the Same Time

[Arrow]

She wonders who Ashley is playing with now and she wonders if there is any reason to care.

Because Aiden has left the room.

And he was only there to push them together… right? Isn't that the game they are involved in tonight?

Side by side, like always, and Spencer imagines the space between them narrowing… little by little…

She wonders who Spencer is wanting now and she wonders if there is any reason to care.

Because Aiden has left the room.

And he was only there to ease the tension… right? Isn't that the only way he got in the door tonight?

Side by side, like always, and Ashley imagines the distance between them closing… bit by bit…

"It's okay…"

And in that moment, it is. Dear **god**, it is. It is so much more than okay… isn't it?

Spencer likens the feel of Ashley's palm to stepping into warm water – you shiver and you melt.

Ashley likens the feel of Spencer's cheek to head hitting the pillow – you sink and you sigh.

And in that moment, it is all okay. So very okay. It is more okay than anything in the world.

Because Aiden has left the room.

And that's what they've both been secretly waiting for all along.

/ / /

[Northshore]

Ashley feels it like a switch being flipped inside her head, transforming her from someone who is about to bust wide open to someone who is shutting down.

Open to closed in a matter of seconds… and she can't see that she is leaving anyone on the outside.

_Can't. Won't. Doesn't matter._

Spencer would do anything for that girl, but anything is starting to look a lot like nothing at all as she gets pushed further and further away.

Shore to sea in a matter of seconds… and she can't see that the waves are only getting higher to climb.

_Can't. Won't. Does it matter?_

By the time she comes in, crying, Ashley is just wanting to forget the present and Spencer is another fragment of this new reality… and she'd give anything to turn back time, just to get her father back.

Even if that means losing the girl holding her right now.

By the time she comes in, crying, Spencer is just wanting to mend what is broken and Ashley isn't going to give up her misery without a fight… and she'd give anything to turn back time, just to get Ashley's father back.

Even if that means losing the girl falling apart in her arms right now.

/ / /

[Night Watch]

She might have gone through with it, because those lips had been sorely missed and they tasted just as she remembered them (_smoky and rich and decadent_) and it was always easier than it should have been to forgive Ashley.

But where Ashley was good with touches and tongues, she was still so bad with words.

Because she was always saying the right ones at the wrong damn time.

And Spencer pulls away before it becomes impossible to do so.

Tenuous at best, flipping the inside of her stomach over and over, and those lips have been sorely missed and they taste just as she recalls (_sweet and warm and tender_) and it is so easy to hold on a little tighter when it comes to Spencer.

But where Spencer is good with touches and tongues, she is still so bad with words.

Because she is always saying the wrong ones at the right damn time.

And Ashley reaches out before it becomes too late to do so.

/ / /

[Paperback Head]

Whether the girl knows it or not, Ashley carries that look like others wear a locket around their neck.

And whenever she wants to smile, she pulls it up in her mind.

Right on the edge of something, that's how Spencer Carlin looked that day… and Ashley promises herself to never forget it.

_King High on lockdown and hot breezes through the windows and confessions under a pier and they hide their flirting under other things, like a chase where both of them want to be caught._

_And they mess up when they least want to, with boys who don't matter and truths that are still too shy._

_But they make it to the afternoon, shared smiles and knowing glances and about a billion other moments that let them know that this is the beginning of something…_

…_and whatever it is, it'll be good._

Whether the girl knows it or not, Spencer carries that look like others fill their wallets with photographs.

And whenever she wants to smile, she pulls it up in her mind.

So close to the start of something, that's how Ashley Davies looked that day… and Spencer promises herself to never forget it.

/ / /

**TBC**


	4. Together

**Last one. Don't let the title of the song fool you. ;) And the 'chocolate frosted sugar bombs' are my little homage to Calvin & Hobbes.**

/ / /

[Hell]

"I had a dream last night."

"Hmm?"

"Want to hear about it?"

"Sure."

"…Are you even listening to me?"

"Ash, its Saturday morning."

"I know what day it is, Spence."

"Then you know that my ability to pay attention to anything is kind of shot right now. C'mon, cut me some slack and let me get some coffee… and then you can tell me all about it."

"You are such a **wuss**."

"Yes I am. And you love me."

"True, though god only knows why…"

Spencer smiles and slides her hand over Ashley's lower back, moving to the kitchen with lazy steps.

Ashley sips on her orange juice with a satisfied smirk.

They both tilt their heads, like synchronized swimmers with not a pool close by, and catch the first tell-tale signs of the third member of their household waking up.

It is the creak of the bed.

Then the pounding of bare feet on the stairs.

And so the television comes to life, blaring out with obnoxiously high-pitched voices.

Spencer groans and Ashley merely chuckles, making a 'tsk-tsk' motion with her index finger.

"Hey, while you were off documenting for two months in Outer Mongolia—"

"'Outer Mongolia'? It was Canada."

"Whatever. Point is… I had to hear a constant soundtrack of Yo Yo Gabba Gabba and I wasn't nearly as crabby about it."

"I am not crabby. Sleepy, not crabby."

"Well, you should get to bed sooner."

"I came to bed early. **You** kept me up."

"You kept me up, too."

They smile affectionately at one another, though.

And Ashley is out of her seat before she knows it, walking softly over to where Spencer leans against the counter and places both hands upon the woman's hips.

They kiss once. Then twice. Then a third time.

"Can I have Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs?"

And they both look over at a mop-top of black hair, with hints of brown, and a grin that is missing one tooth and wrinkled pajamas with cars on them.

"Clay…" Spencer starts, but the boy has anticipated this and goes straight to whining.

"But Moooom, it's **Saturday**!"

"Gosh, Spence, that sounds a lot like you…" Ashley says with a grin and Spencer pinches the woman's side.

"…Okay, fine, I'll fix you a bowl."

"Yay!"

And Clay claps happily and Ashley picks him up, spinning him around a bit and basking in his giggles and Spencer shakes her head bemusedly as she pours the milk on top of this monstrosity of a breakfast.

The boy runs out of the room, cereal threatening to slosh over the edge of the bowl and Ashley tells him to slow down.

Then Ashley sighs, a warm and content exhale from her lips, as Spencer's arms wrap around her waist from behind.

"So tell me all about it."

"What?"

"Your dream."

"Yea, my dream…"

/ / /

_It looks like California, all burned up and full of botox, but there is a hollowness that she just can't shake._

_And the trees look too colorless._

_And the people look too damn happy._

_But that's when she realizes she is sobbing out hot tears. And the whole of the world looks like a watery grave, one she can't get out of._

"_It's okay, you've got me."_

"_Aiden?"_

_And there he is, as he used to be – basketball jersey and a bittersweet smile – and she takes his hand, but it feels so wrong… __**it feels so damn wrong, all of this is wrong**__… and she just cannot figure out how to make it right again._

_They are walking. But they are not._

_It's more like they are floating by every place she has ever known._

_King High is bursting with life and cheerleaders are eyeing her with disdain and she blows kisses to them just to piss them off – but that's when she sees it, slipping around the edge of the quad, a tidal wave of blonde hair._

_Aiden is holding her, hugging her, begging her and she pushes away as if her life depends on it._

"_It's too late. You lost your chance. She's gone."_

_And she thought Aiden said it, but it is just her mind – loud and echoing all around._

_And it comes back to her. _

_And it claws at her body._

"_No. No, she took me back. She took me back. We have a house. We have a son."_

"_Oh, Ashley, wake up… __**that's**__ the dream. This is the reality."_

_That's when she sees the girl, with the perfect hair and short skirt and sharp nails and a devious smile._

_And that girl is laughing._

_And that girl is laughing so hard she is crying._

_Laughing so hard she is weeping… _

"_No. Spencer! Spencer, come out here! I saw you here, come back to me! Come back to me, please, I know I fucked up—"_

_But there is paint and canvas and stars and silence and she is watching as her own lips collide with Spencer's. She can recall the taste of those kisses, sweeter and sweeter with each second of contact._

"_You don't know what you want."_

_Spencer is beside her, too. Watching with broken eyes._

"_That's not true. I've only ever wanted you."_

"_Then how could you let me go like that?"_

"_I was afraid of being so in love with you, it was so new and strange and… it was a lot of work and I didn't think I had it in me to make it…"_

"_So you ran?"_

"_I ran."_

"_You ran so far away… you just ran, you ran all night and day… but you couldn't get away…" Spencer doesn't sing the lyrics, though. They are softly spoken._

_The studio fades out and they are at Ego and everyone looks like they are in a time-warp, transported to the 1980's, and Spencer is twirling around – bouncing around the arms of men and women._

"_Dance with me, Ashley!"_

_She reaches out and the girl takes her hand and they are moving slow when everybody else is moving so fast._

"_Say you forgive me, Spencer… please, say you forgive me and get me out of this nightmare…"_

"_What? You don't like retro music?"_

"_I only like you."_

"_I forgave you a long time ago. Maybe you should think about doing the same."_

/ / /

"Seems pretty clear to me, Ash."  
"Does it?"

Spencer places her hand on Ashley's forearm and gently squeezes.

"You're not that girl anymore, sweetheart… you've changed **so** much… and it's true, you know? If you've not forgiven yourself for the past, you need to."

Ashley stares hard at the delicate touch against her skin and at the ring on the fourth finger and she resists the urge to grab onto Spencer and never let go again.

But Spencer knows all of this, attuned to Ashley more and more each day, and she doesn't mind the thought of being held forever – so she slips out of her chair and gently sits on Ashley's lap.

"Get those arms around me, Davies. Or else."

That get a tiny smile to grace Ashley's lips and the woman complies, burying her face in crook of Spencer's neck as they embrace.

And they sit in silence, just their breathing and the distant sound of their son's shows in the background.

And Spencer's places a kiss to the top of Ashley's head.

"It was hell back then, Spence. I just kept messing up everything and… it was like I could see what I was doing and wanted to stop, but I didn't. I didn't stop and I almost lost it all. And I hurt **you**, the last person I'd ever want to hurt…"

Ashley was never good at turning her mind off, replaying her movements like the rewinding an old cassette tape, and cringing at her own missteps – always fearful that she might do it all over again.

Always fearful of a bad habit resurfacing, even after all this time… even after weeks and weeks of proving just how far she has truly come…

Spencer tips Ashley's head back and gazes at her, blue on brown – steadfast and full of love.

And Ashley could live in that look.

_I __**do**__ live there. __**This**__ is reality and the dream. This is __**everything**__._

Spencer does this all the time, lightly grips Ashley's face in her hands, and memorizes every detail of the woman's features.

That is her own fear, not that Ashley would willingly leave – _because those days really are gone_ – but she cannot control fate and something so random could happen… so Spencer does this every day she can… she takes in Ashley's beautiful face and commits it to all the cells in her body.

For safe keeping.

For the endless devotion in her heart.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, very much so."

"…Was my spoken-word version of 'I Ran' any good in your dream?"

And Ashley laughs and the spell is broken, the one the nightmare tried to cast over her life, and she shakes it loose and she watches it shatter on the ground.

And Spencer laughs, too.

"You were terrible."

"Thanks a lot."

"Just being honest."

"Although, it was your dream… and they say that everyone in your dreams is really yourself, so I guess it means that you sucked. Not me."

"Sure, Spence, whatever you say."

And they kiss once.

Twice.

Then a third time.

Clay runs out and barrels into them and he talks rapidly about the cartoon he just watched.

Ashley nods along and asks questions.

Spencer ruffles his hair and pulls him up into her own lap.

And they stay like that, just like that… for just a while longer… because it is Saturday and this is their family ritual…

…This is everything they've ever wanted.

With each other.

/ / /

**::END::**


End file.
